CENTERVILLE (AP) – Hell officially froze over this evening at approximately 7:26PM as Ian Dunn attended a high school football game for the first time in his life. Residents of the fiery furnace said that the day began as any other, but as night fell an eerie breeze began to sweep through the depths of the underworld.
“It was wierd,” said long-time inhabitant Leif Ericson. “At first it was nice. It reminded me of the brisk winter nights in Iceland.” But then, residents say, things turned ugly. “It went from a nice desert breeze to a freakish hailstorm,” reports newcomer Uday Hussein.
Preliminary data gathered by scientists working for the U.S. Geological Survey suggests that the breeze started at the exact moment Ian purchased his ticket and that the conditions in Hades worsened as he approached the field, culminating in the “freakish hailstorm” once he took his seat and began to watch the game.
The Dark Prince could not be reached for comment, but his public relations advisor, Joseph Goebbels, said that they will be taking legal action. The ACLU has released a press statement offering to take the case pro-bono. “I am personally offended that in this day and age such an intolerable act of intolerance could go unchecked by our failing justice system. The ACLU is commited to protecting the rights of Mr. Prince and all his constituents to be as sultry as they want without temperature bigots such as Mr. Dunn interfering,” commented ACLU president Nadine Strossen.
Insiders tell the Associated Press that Satan has been in talks with Microsoft Corporation to install new Windows-based heating units that can be remotely controlled from a Windows-based laptop. With such a heating network in place, Beelzebub could control the level of torment each prisoner indures from the comfort of his deep, dark pit. Until it crashes.